I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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