I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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