Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
