my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
