Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
