He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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