the condom got lost in my hair
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
