i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
