thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
