but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
4 words: hood of his car
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Randomize
