What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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