Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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