oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
