How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Let's paint friendship bongs
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
