One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
