come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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