So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
