You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
