i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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