Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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