So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she peed on how many people?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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