I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
