My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
don't judge my taste in strippers
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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