It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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