Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
