The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
