my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
