maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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