I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
