I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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