Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
