My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
