she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
