I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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