So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
