Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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