Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
even my farts smell like vagina
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize