I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
