a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
