There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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