I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just google imaged poop.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
