he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
