the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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