Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
bring money and cleavage
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize