There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
