she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
