just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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