tonight lets celebrate not being married
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
