Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
