Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
