I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
