I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
