I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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