I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The adults are the big ones right?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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