I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
