How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize