just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize