One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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