Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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