It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
