I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I need moral support for this bender
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize